Wednesday, 08 July 2009

• Why It May Be Taking So Long For You To Get A Man (Or Woman)

  I was so unlike your average 20something. While all my friends, my sisters, my cousins, and my sorority sisters were dating, exclusive, and getting married, I was alone. For the past few years (which is the time since I've been saved) I rarely went out on dates or chatted on the phone for long hours into the wee hours of the morning. Nunna that! I was single and solitary for a few years.

   

  Why?

   

  I like to consider myself a “good steward” of my precious time. I don’t sit idly while things happen around me. I get a book, and I read. I study on anything and everything. So during this time while my dating life was “Under Construction”, I utilized this time to see why I and other people like me were single while everyone else our age was dating. Here are a few of the books that revolutionized my love life:

   

  Are You The One For Me? By Barbara DeAngelis

   

  Changes That Heal by my favorite author Dr. Henry Cloud

   

  Honoring the Self by Nathaniel Branden

   

  How To Get A Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud

   

  What Men Think by Bradley Gerstman, Christopher Pizzo, and Rich Seldes

   

  For Young Women Only: What You Need to Know About How Guys Think by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice

   

  There are other books that have contributed bits and pieces, but these were the most helpful six books. This is actually kind of embarrassing telling people that I couldn’t get a man without the help of some books, but I KNOW I’m not the first or only person to have this problem. I already wrote posts on the last two books – “The Ugly Truth About What Men Really Think About Women” and “Modest is the Hottest” – both of which have been featured. So I’m just going to write on what I gleaned from the first three books.

   

  Are You The One For Me? By Barbara DeAngelis

   

  This book was a gift from my dad. He gave it to me when I was in college. It was SO helpful. It was the first psychological book I read for leisure. It is amazing. This book tells you how to tell if you’re ready for a serious relationship and if the person you are interested in is ready too. Here are some of the more important points:

   

  It is possible to subconsciously sabotage your romantic relationships if you have unresolved issues from the past. The way you grew up and observed your parents’ marriage or relationship will have a profound impact on how you date others. The author said that 90% of what you believe about how the world and relationships work will be determined before the age of 8. If your dad was emotionally distant from the family, you will tend to go for men who are not emotionally intimate with you. If your mother was weak, needy, and dependent upon you, you will tend to attract women who are immature and need a man to take care of them. I learned from this book that I have to observe my past relationships and current relationship to see if I’m repeating any dysfunctional patterns that were modeled to me from my parents’ marriage. Did they fight a lot? Do I? Did they leave each other/divorce? Do I easily break up with my boyfriends? Did they rarely show affection to each other? Do I feel uncomfortable doing the same? When you find out the destructive patterns and realize that you are repeating them, you can do better. I did the work, and I am better.

   

  Also, it introduced me to a concept I believe she called, “Going Home”. She said that for some reason, people have this desire to reproduce their childhood home lives in their romantic relationships either subconsciously or consciously. If your dad was abusive, you might go for abusive men. If you mother was an alcoholic, you might go for alcoholic women. DeAngelis said that children have this desire to want to “fix” their mommy and daddy. So they try to duplicate their parent in a future relationship and then fix them. This is where “codependent” and “enabling” relationships come from.

   

  Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud

   

  This book has changed my life THE MOST second to the Holy Bible. I reached so many epiphanies with this book. It’s like I kept waking up from a deep sleep in different parts of my life. I studied child development in college, so a lot of the things he said here made perfect sense to me. This book is not specifically on relationships, but it did touch on them a lot. Here are some of the more important points I learned from it about relationships:

   

  This book states that there are FIVE concepts that humans MUST achieve in life in order to be fully successful. One can survive without all of them, but in order to have a life that is not dysfunctional and that is successful, it is SO important to get these down! They are TRUTH & GRACE, BONDING, BOUNDARIES, SORTING GOOD AND BAD, and ADULTHOOD. Truth and grace are about how in a relationship, there MUST be both aspects of truth and grace in order for it to be successful. For example, if my boyfriend always told me, “You are stupid and have a funny smell,” the relationship would suffer. But if he told me, “Baby, you know I love you. The next statement I tell you will have no bearing on my love for you. But sometimes you say things that I think sound stupid, and you also sometimes have a funny smell. But even if you never change these things, I still will love you unconditionally.” If my boyfriend told me that, I would change because of his love for me. I wouldn't be so angry and insulted that I would act more stupid and take less baths. This would ALL be because he delivered the message out of a place of 100% LOVE with 100% TRUTH. That’s how God loves us. He gives us 100% truth with 100% love. It’s hard not to have a great relationship with those two aspects involved.

   

  When it comes to bonding, babies have to bond with their biological mothers in order to have a chance at a normal life even if everything else goes haywire. If the biological mother isn’t there, another woman needs to be there consistently for the first 6 weeks of life. If not, the baby is virtually messed up for life when it comes to bonding and trusting. In child development, this is known as the critical period. It is critical for the mother to be with the baby whenever the baby is awake because if not, the baby will have an insecure attachment. There are 3 types of attachment: secure, avoidant, and anxious. Secure is when the baby is fed and comforted and changed when it wants to be. Avoidant is when the baby has come to grips with the fact that the mother is not going to be consistent in changing, feeding, and comforting it and so the baby loses its attachment to the mother. Anxious is when the mother is there enough of the time for the baby to kind of trust her, but the baby still lives in fear that the mother may not deliver when the time comes because there had been times when she didn’t come when needed. These 3 attachment types will follow you for the rest of you life unless you get help from God. I learned that I had an anxious attachment style. This style made me desperate and needy in relationships to the point that it ruined them. I didn’t totally trust that the man wouldn’t leave me, so I would live in fear that he would. But I brought that to God, and He’s doing an awesome job with it!

   

  When it comes to boundaries, I learned that I must NOT try to swallow my partner whole. Boyfriends and girlfriends should not be so absorbed with the other to the point that they have no lives outside of the other. My boy friend and I are two separate entities. We don’t have to spend every free minute on the phone with each other or hanging out with each other. Every thought in our head should not be about the other. That is dysfunctional and unhealthy. You will get sick of someone like that. Just like with Halloween candy – you want to eat all of it at that moment, but eventually you’ll get sick of it. It’s best to have a little at a time. Eat other things too! I also learned that you have to tell your partner NO sometimes. It’s kind of hard to do for some people, but it’s so important. No one wants to date someone who only says, “Yes, sure, why not, I’d love to, yea, okay, you're always right.” You want someone who is honest and who can say, “That sounds like fun, but why don’t we try doing this today just to switch it up a bit?” “I know how much you love sports, but I’d really like it if we spent this Saturday doing something I enjoy also.” “No, I don’t like it when you say that to me.” “I love you, but please don’t call me that anymore.” It’s okay not to be a “yes-man”. People who are healthy are actually attracted to you more when you resist them on something. I also wrote a post on this topic of boundaries called, "Please Get My Permission Before Crossing My Boundaries. Thanks!"

   

  Regarding sorting good and bad, I realized that no one is perfect. No one is all great and no one is all bad. If we are honest with ourselves, we will admit that we have flaws and imperfections. And some of these imperfections will find their way within our relationships IF we are being our real selves. And we have to accept that. There will be no fairy tale relationships. It may feel that way at times, but there will be arguments and disagreements. That doesn’t mean you and your partner are incompatible and doomed for failure. It just means you’re both showing your true selves in the relationship and that you have to compromise on things. There’s no need to be perfect in a relationship! You just have to make it your business to work on the bad flaws and to accept the unimportant flaws in your partner. For example, if your flaw is that you are a little messy or a little overweight, that’s no biggie! But if you flaw is that you have a very sarcastic mouth and are promiscuous, that definitely needs to be worked on because cheating and sarcasm destroys relationships.

   

  Adulthood is a necessity in relationships because CHILDREN DON’T DATE! You have to be an adult in serious relationships. Children need to be outside playing. Adults have relationships. If you are still emotionally or mentally immature, a serious romantic relationship is not for you. Grow up first! If you whine, pout, and give the silent treatment when you don’t get your way from the other partner, you are still a child. If you are ashamed of your body, you are still a child. If you are ashamed to say the words or blush when you hear the words “sex”, “vagina”, and “penis” you are still a child. If you still depend on your parents for everything and even EXPECT them to take care of you when you’re old enough to take care of yourself, you are still a child. If you don’t know how to take care of your own hygiene (hair, washing, clothes), get a job, feed yourself, etc., you are not yet an adult emotionally and mentally, and you need to be single child until you grow up and can have an adult relationship. When you get married, you will be having sex. If you are ashamed of sex or of your body, you can develop sexual dysfunctions like impotence or inability to have orgasm because your will subconsciously feel like a 10-year-old child who is doing something children ought not be doing! This is what the book said!

   

  Honoring the Self by Nathaniel Branden

   

  This book was very helpful regarding self-esteem. It talks about how low self-esteem can impact your relationships. For example:

   

  If you think that you aren’t even worthy of taking up space on the planet, you definitely won’t think yourself worthy of a happy relationship.

   

  If you really believe that you shouldn’t have even been born, you definitely won’t think that you should be dating - which is a pleasant experience that is reserved for people who deserve to be here and who deserve to be happy.

   

  This book showed me that my self-esteem was low. I never knew that it was until I read this book. I had a false sense of confidence that I tried to pass off as high self-esteem, but it was just insecurity coated in confidence. I felt that I was only worthwhile if I had talents and achievements. Instead of thinking, “I deserve to be on this earth because God planned for me to be here before the beginning of time and because He gave me a purpose of leading souls to heaven,” I thought, “I guess I earned my existence because I did well in school, I’m in a sorority, I have a good sense of humor, I’m pretty enough, I have nice hair, I won the spelling bee, I am a neat person, I can sketch, I can write well.” I honestly thought that I only deserved to be on this planet if I had something to contribute. I never thought, “Self, I have just as much right to be here as anyone else. If I never accomplish another cool thing in life, I am worthwhile. I deserve to be alive."

   

  Many people who were born out of wedlock or who had parents that told/tell them, “I wish you had never been born; you were a mistake; I wish I had aborted you"; etc., etc. have similar outlooks on life. They think that they had to be planned by these two adults in order to have earned their right to exist. But I’m here to tell you that YOU WOULDN’T BE HERE IF GOD HAD NOT PLANNED IT AND OKAYED IT! I was not born out of wedlock, and my parents “planned my birth”, but for some reason, I felt that I was intruding on other people’s earth. For example, if I was walking down a grocery store aisle, I felt bad if someone had to walk around me. I felt that they had more right to be there than I did. If I was using my mom’s laptop and my stepdad needed to use it, I felt bad that I was in his way. I felt that I shouldn’t have inconvenienced him by making him wait for me to get up! If I knocked on the door of a bathroom stall and someone was in there, I felt bad that I disturbed them and made them feel they had to hurry. There are so many little examples like this that I felt up until even a couple of months ago. I felt that I should not even BE here for people to even have to move around my body at a store. Now THAT’S low self-esteem. I thought low self-esteem was sleeping around, having an eating disorder, and cutting. But there are other manifestations of low self-esteem.

   

  But when I learned that I had every bit of as much right as the other 6,000,000,000+ people walking on this earth, I started to take up space. If I’m looking for a book at a bookstore, I will make you wait until I find what I’m looking for. If I’m next in line at a cash register waiting to check out, I will not let you skip me. If I need assistance at a fast food restaurant, I don’t feel the need to wait until you finish chatting with a coworker. I’ll say, “Excuse me, ma’am. Could you bring out some more ketchup? There’s no more out here.” I can choose to let someone get in my lane in traffic or I can choose NOT to. I know these scenarios seem silly, but they are GREAT accomplishments to me. I know now that deserve to be here on this earth. I have a right to the space I occupy. I can bother, disturb, interrupt, inconvenience, and block people's way. Of course, I respect people and have no problem waiting or putting myself on the backburner because this is part of the Christian walk. But never again will I see myself as a being that is a waste of space. I’m here and I will be noticed!

   

  So to relate all that back to dating, it has helped tremendously. I am my real self in relationships. I don’t feel the need to be scared of being my true self in case my true self isn’t totally liked. I love my real self. I have high self-esteem now. I consider my guy friend very fortunate to have met me. I’m worth getting to know. I don’t mind asking him to swing by here or there even if it’s out the way from where we’re headed. I don’t mind asking him to cut the air down if I’m cold even if he’s still hot. I don’t think of breaking my fast early just because he's hungry now. I don't change my schedule around or cancel my appointments just because he wants to see me; he can wait. I don't mind saying that I want to eat at IHOP even though he let me know that he’d rather have Red Lobster. I let my voice be heard in the relationship. I know when to back down and when to be quiet, but I also know when to express my feelings and thoughts because they are all equally as important as his. All of these little things add up. But those things would never have been had I still had low self-esteem. If we break up, my self-worth will still be 100%, and if we stay together until Jesus’ return, my self-worth will still be 100%. It won’t change. It can’t change based on external circumstances. It’s constant because God set it that way.

   

  So in closing, you might just be single because you're not ready. Your negative thoughts or wrong thinking about the world, others, and yourself may be sabotaging your chances at happy love. You might subconsciously think that you are so worthless that you are not worthy of love. If you can't look yourself in the mirror and say, "I'm worthwhile. I deserve good things to happen to me," then you are probably a low-self-esteemer. Find out what are the roots of your problems because until you do that, the fruit of your tree won't change. YOU are the only person keeping you from dating and being happy.

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