Wednesday, 24 June 2009

• I'm a 23-Year-Old Child Trapped in an Adult's Body

  I’m a 23 year old child in an adult’s body.

   

  When will I grow up?

   

  There are many aspects to being an adult. There’s the mental/psychological, physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, sexual, and social aspects of being a human. I’m an adult in all of them but two I guess. It seems that I just can’t grow up socially in some regards.

   

  In other countries, the youth are considered an adult at even age 12, but in America, we tend to have an “extended childhood”. We still depend upon our parents for money well into our 20s. Some 40 year-olds still live with their parents and can’t even do their own laundry.

   

  It seems that when it comes to the financial aspect, I’m still a child in many ways. I still sometimes get in the red (negative bank balance), and I still sometimes depend on my mom for money at times. But that doesn’t concern me too much because I know that in time (I hope) I will be totally independent from her. Maybe it’ll come when I get married, but maybe I’ll just start depending on my husband!

   

  But more importantly, I still feel like a child socially. By socially, I mean that I am still dependent upon others’ opinions of me. I am 23 years old and will be 24 years old in less than a month. But I still feel like a little girl sometimes! When Jesus’ parents didn’t know where he was when he was 12 years old, he had no problem letting his mother know that he was not here on earth to do her bidding but to do what God put him on earth to do.

  Luke 2:  ⁴²And when he was twelve years old, they went up to Jerusalem after the custom of the feast.  ⁴³And when they had fulfilled the days, as they returned, the child Jesus tarried behind in Jerusalem; and Joseph and his mother knew not of it. ⁴⁴But they, supposing him to have been in the company, went a day's journey; and they sought him among their kinsfolk and acquaintance. ⁴⁵And when they found him not, they turned back again to Jerusalem, seeking him. ⁴⁶And it came to pass, that after three days they found him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the doctors, both hearing them, and asking them questions. ⁴⁷And all that heard him were astonished at his understanding and answers. ⁴⁸And when they saw him, they were amazed: and his mother said unto him, Son, why hast thou thus dealt with us? behold, thy father and I have sought thee sorrowing. ⁴⁹And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business?

  This is not a spiritual post, but that was just a very good example to Christians that it is okay to tell our parents no about certain things.

  But back to me. I know that socially, I am still a child. I am intellectual. I am emotionally sound. I am spiritually mature. I have a normal, healthy sexual appetite. I am physically an adult, of course, because that’s something that I have no control over - even though people tell me that I look like I’m twelve at times. But regarding this social thing, I remain a child.

  Here’s what I mean:

  • I tend to feel uncomfortable if I’m not in the "one-down" position to older adults.
  • I seek the approval of other adults (mostly my mother) regarding certain things.
  • I don’t always feel comfortable making certain decisions without a “parent figure” giving it the okay.
  • I don’t feel comfortable being totally independent from others.

   

  I got a clear understanding of this issue from a book of my favorite author – Dr. Henry Cloud – titled Changes That Heal and another book I liked by Nathaniel Branden titled Honoring the Self.

   

  When I say “one-down position” I mean the relationship that I place myself in with other adults. For example, if I’m in a room full of adults like my mom, aunts, and uncles, I tend to be quiet just like I was when I was a child. For some reason, I feel that I may not have much to contribute to the conversation since they’ve been adults since before I came into the world. I know that I am as intellectual and spiritual as they are - if not MORE than some of them - but I still shrink back from conversations in a room full of adults.

   

  Also, when it comes to one-down positions, I feel bad about outdoing an adult. Like, I know I’m a good spiritual writer, but when I had to speak at a revival last night, I felt kind of bad about doing better than the men and women missionaries, evangelists, deacons, and ministers who are older than me. I guess I feel that children should not be as effective as adults. But I also now see (thanks to Dr. Cloud) that when I turned 18 years old, it was officially okay for me to do as good as or better than ANY adult in the world because at 18 years old in America, you are officially an adult. Every other adult on the face of the planet is your peer. No one is above or beneath you, in a sense. It’s actually officially okay at any age to do your best regardless of who you might outdo.

   

  When I say “seeking the approval of others” I mean that when I do various things, I tend to keep my eyes and ears open for a sign of approval. Even when I write on Xanga on certain topics, I look for the approval of people who I believe are more spiritual than I am. For example, if I see an affirming comment from Havlik or MightyMenofValor, I feel that the post is officially good. Never mind if I have dozens of other positive comments from people saying that the post was awesome. I still look for the approval of adult figures even when I KNOW the post was God-inspired, helpful to others, and had my approval. Why do I do this?

   

  When I say that I don’t always feel comfortable making certain decisions without a “parent figure" giving it the okay, I mean that I SOMETIMES second-guess myself A LOT. I’m much better than I used to be, but it still happens sometimes. For example, if I want to wear a certain outfit to church that I think is cute, I’ll sometimes ask myself, “What will the deacons, missionaries, mothers, and pastors think of this?” I don’t think, “What will God think?” I think about what other humans will think. I know that I would never wear anything really immodest, especially not to church, but I still second-guess my own God-given wisdom/common sense until I get my mom’s approval. And if she doesn’t approve, I oftentimes change clothes.

   

  I AM AN ADULT! WHY DO I NEED THE APPROVAL OF OTHER ADULTS TO DO WHAT I DO?!

   

  And when it comes to doing things totally independent from others, I tend to feel uncomfortable when I’m out on my own. I'm so used to having a sister directly above me in age and a sister directly under me in age. We've always done things together. I'm so used to being part of the Quinn Sisters Unit, that I feel naked without them sometimes. I’ve lived in an apartment with roommates before, but I’ve never had my own place. It just feels weird to me to do things solo. Imagine "Little Child Me" paying for my own rent/mortgage, car insurance, health insurance, utilities, car note, credit card bills, medical expenses, groceries, etc. I think that’s one reason I don’t like to cook because I feel that it’s the adult thing to do. I can clean up a house like nobody’s business because I guess I feel that even children do chores, but cooking is an adult woman’s job, right?

   

  I know this is weird, but more people experience this than is heard of. But anyways, I know that it’s important for us to be adults in all aspects of ourselves. We are to mature just like fruit in all parts of our being. God made us mental beings. God made us physical beings. God made us emotional beings. God made us spiritual beings. God made us sexual beings. God made us social beings. We are to mature in ALL of these areas. I know that some adults (mostly Christians) are afraid to be sexual. Being sexual is not a bad thing. It’s only bad if you do it outside of God’s context for it. Sex was made by GOD to be enjoyable, but child-like adults will run from sex. It's one thing to be holy, but another thing to be so prudish that you are afraid to even mention the word sex. Yes, some adults are afraid to say the word “sex”! They feel that it’s a dirty word; but it only feels like a dirty word if you’re still a child.

   

  God wants us to be whole and mature adults. Adulthood is scary at times because there’s a lot of responsibility that comes with it. But it really does help with your self-esteem when you are on your own. I feel such satisfaction when I pay my student loans, credit card bills, car note, medical expenses, car gas, food, toiletries, and clothes. I hate asking my mom for money. I just pray that God helps me to be responsible financially, but more importantly, I hope that He soon helps me to be totally independent from the opinions, ideas, expectations, hopes, and dreams for me of other humans. Only God's opinion and my opinion should matter.

   

  It’s really time to cut the umbilical cord, guys.

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